Me....A Country Girl???!!!

I've been so busy with so many things that this entry will seem like it bounces all over the place.  I apologize ahead of time for that.  :) 

First things first:  Life on This Island---

We've now been here a bit over 3 months.  Astonishingly, I can report that a) I'm getting "used" to it; and b) I really like it here.  I will even go out on a limb to say that I prefer this lifestyle over others in my past. 

Dubbed a "city girl" by my husband, I've always immensely enjoyed the convenience of urban life.  The instant gratification of being able to obtain whatever necesseties or desires the moment they arise is appealing in that there is a sense of security and saftey.  I have lived in more places that I have fingers; but each place was either on or near a military base or a major metropolitan area.   Need milk, bread or eggs?---The grocery is down the street.    Have a little sneeze and sore throat?----might as well make an appt. with the doctor across the street to make sure it's nothing serious.   Craving some "Half Baked" Ben & Jerry's during a premenstrual fat-session?---why certainly there is a corner market a block away open  past midnight!  Power outage?---hardware store is across town; and while we're there I can shop for shoes, get my nails done, try on some amazing jeans that I can't afford......oh hell, let's just hit the mall!

All jokes aside, there is a sense of security, for me, in knowing I can have it, get it, get to it, etc. within a reasonable amount of time.  I attribute this to my chronically anxious personality. 

Of course, when I agreed with my husband that perhaps the 'country life' might be good for our family, I wasn't really in agreement with him, per say.  Rather it was more of an "okay honey, we will do it your way and when all hell breaks loose and things go to shit, it will totally be your fault and not mine; and I thrive on being "right".  

And here I am, three months later, telling you that my husband often does know what's best for me, because he was right.  :)

It hasn't been easy, getting used to this place.  I keep messing up!  I make my big trips into town twice a month to buy groceries, household goods, and whatever we may need.  Too stubborn and stupid to make lists, I haven't made a trip yet without forgetting something important.  For example:  it's 30 miles into town and 30 miles back.  Last time I made the trip I realized when I got home that I forgot to buy coffee and toilet paper. 

Do you know how stupid it is to have to drive another 60 miles for toilet paper?  

To make a long story short, "planning" has been a real challenge for me.  And when you live this far away, planning and preparation are imperative.  However, anyone who knows me also knows that I LOVE a challenge; so I'm finding all of this very educational.  I've certainly learned alot about myself--primarily the fact that we honestly really don't need all of the shit that we think we do.   More on that in another post.


Second topic to discuss:  My yard.  

I've been busting my ass, plain and simple.   I wake up at 0530 every morning, clean house, do laundry, make "plans" (LOL), parent my teenagers, cook....cook some more....clean some more.....work a bit on designing...

and work in the yard.  Check out what I've done.

I turned all of that ground over myself.  If you are a big manly man, you are probably not impressed.  But when you have an inflammatory joint disease, this is a big ticket accomplishment.  Since it is so late in the season, I just put a couple of annuals in there, transplanted a rhubarb plant and am considering putting the strawberries (in the container) in the ground. 

That's just a small section of the yard.  I plan on doing this to the entire perimeter...hopefully knocking out a lot of it this coming weekend. 

I've also done this: 

I've cleaned it all up, turned over the ground and put some crappy half priced annuals that were near death in the ground, hoping to revive them.  That is a grape vine you're looking at that I don't know how to control.  There is also a baby lilac bush near the flag.  I have half-dead carnations, snapdragons and begonias in there, which are showing signs of life.  I'll keep my fingers crossed. 

Third topic:   Knitting and Crochet! 

No discussion needed.  Here are the pictures!

This is my small pile of wool that I have collected from my stash for the "Learn To Knit Afghan" by Barbara Walker.  This thing is huge so I will need a lot more, but you can get a feeling of what colors I tend to steer towards. 

Most of it is Knit Picks Wool of the Andes, which has the best color pallette as well as price.  There's a giant skein of LionBrand Fishermans Wool which I think may be the color I use to edge the squares in.  There's also some Patons Classic Wool which I love, but it gets a little pricey.  I'll be ordering more colors as money becomes available. :) 

Here is the beginning of what is going to be my Dumpy House Sweater.  I'm new to garment construction so I chose a top down raglan construction, which I'm finding easier than seaming pieces.  I'll pick up the stitches for the sleeves and stitch them in the round.  NO SEAMING! :)     The yarn is from Joann's---Rainbow Sensations, I think.   I'm concerned because it's looking quite small; but I have spot on gauge so I'll keep going with blind faith.  There is a 5 inch edging/collar that I think may make up for some of the sizing--I'm going to do the edging/collar in plain white to avoid multidirectional striping.  

And here we have my nemesis.  I've spent HOURS trying to decide what colors to use for this thing, as it will be a centerpiece for my dining room table. 

This doily by Katherine White is gorgeous....and it's large.  18" diameter I believe.  I don't like the colors in the photo, and I've tried many different combos of my own, none of which I like.

FINALLY, I think I've got a combo that will work: 

Okay last but not least:  I am OBSESSED with this project.  It's called "Glory Shawl" and I found the free pattern on Ravelry.  It's nothing more than garter stitch squares and triangles joined as you go; but the intriguing part of it is where and how to place these squares.   It's like a jigsaw puzzle and I love it....never gets boring. 

Plus I'm using Knit Picks "Chroma"---the best slow color change yarn available on the market in my opinion--in one of the "new" colorways, "SuperNova".   I'm transfixed by watching how the color changes and various placement of the squares is emerging.   Nevertheless, this project has been taking up most of my stitching time.  It will be huge and soft and warm; and I think I will outline it with a crochet border of some kind.  Beaded fringe is speaking to me, for some reason. 

And that's that!  Thanks for reading, Happy Knitting and Crocheting, and Bright Blessings of Light and Grace!

Dirt Plopping

One of the coolest things about living up here is how many hours of daylight we get in the summer.   I was up knitting last night.  When the sky was dark enough that I needed to get up and flick on a lamp, the clock said it was 10 pm!   Around midnight we can see stars if it is clear.  The sky starts lightening up about 3a.m. and by 4 the sun is rising.   It feels like there is never an actual nighttime, and I LOVE THAT. However, once fall and winter set in, I assume it will be quite the opposite.  My neighbor told me around the winter solstice the sun sets around 4 pm. and dosen't rise until nearly 8 am.  Plus, it's dreary and rainy during those seasons.   I bet that I will need to up the dosage of my crazy pills antidepressants when that time comes around.  

Anyway, today is a big day.   Right after I'm finished draining another cup of coffee, I'm headed over to the hardware store to buy some plants for the front yard.  There is still time in the season to start a few veggies for a second crop; but mainly I'd just like to add a little color with some florals.   

I have only ever planted in much hotter and drier climates, so I honestly have no flipping idea what I'm doing.  It's going to be one of those things where if it's pretty, than I will plop it in the dirt, say a blessing, and hope for the best.  

In the meantime,  we are going to have beautiful apples in the fall!

And look at these itty bitty baby-butt grapes starting to emerge in the front of the house (the vine is taking over everything and I'm not sure how to solve this problem). 

 Bright Green Growing Blessings!

  

The Silence

It is quiet here this morning, as it should be, for a change.  No construction noises, for starters. The kids are nestled in their beds (in their own rooms now!) doing the whole "hey-I'm-a-teenager-and-I-require-a-thousand-hours-of-sleep-because-I'm-worn-out-from-being-lazy-and-doing-absolutely-nothing" sleeping thing.  Even the dogs are lounging here at my feet.

All I hear are a couple of birds through the open window and the hum of my fan.  Well, and an occasional Pug snore.

I should be doing laundry---it's piled pretty high---but seriously I cannot bring myself to ruin this moment. 

Because the silence is absolutely exquisite. 

And this silence----not only of the surroundings, but also in my mind, and my gut, and my soul----are sweetly foreign to me. 


My life up to this point has been eventful and emotional and eventfully emotional and emotionally eventful and every possible concoction of these two words.   I had a horrible early childhood.  The breadth of my teen years was an ensuing trauma.  In my efforts to escape all that nearly ruined me, I jumped into 'adult' situations very early; and was married at 18 and with two children by the age of 21.   By age 23 I was a military veteran, a Navy wife, mother of two, full-time student----and trying to fullfill all of these duties never having known the feeling of a parent's love, and never having known or felt that I was reasonably safe in this world.

And so I raged!  It was me against the world; for I had it in my mind that everyone in it was out to abuse, reject or gravely disappoint me the way that the adults in my life had literally since my first cognitive memory.  Fiercley and dangerously protective of my own husband and children as well as myself, I am certain that people in my life at the time were convinced I was insane because they could never reach me any further than the defenses I put up.  And yet at the same time,  I howled and wailed for a love they were incapable of giving me no matter how hard they may have tried.  And when they inevitably disappointed me because they couldn't fill that horrible void, I panicked, fled, raged, revenged, fought and hurt them because I had learned to bite this imaginary keeper of my cage. 

And yet, despite that awful internal conflict, the anger and resentment I felt were incredible motivators to achieve and conquer.  My body was strong!  My mind and wit were sharp!  My achievements plentiful and noteworthy!   I made sure that I was always the winner in this battle I unknowingly fought against myself.  I used that constant flow of adrenaline to survive and fight back in all of the ways I was too helpless to as a child. 

I call those years, "The Crazy Times." 

I am not certain what specific event, if any, marked the end of that "era".  Several events took place during a short amount of time---watching the death of my father in law, being in D.C. during the 9/11 attacks and losing people we actually knew, my brother's deployment to Afghanistan,  the purchase of our first home, the death of my grandfather, the loss of a pregnancy,  and then the preparation and deployment of my husband to Special Forces in Iraq. 

The culmination of these events, for lack of a better term, knocked the wind out of my sails. So much of my life prior to this was spent living within myself and/or with my children that I had successfully distracted myself from the goings-ons "out there".  

And so it was a shock to my system, I think, to step out of my own little sphere of saftey (resulting from the Crazy Times) and into another sphere of danger, violence, death, and yes.....

more loss.  

You see, I had gone from being the Crazy Master Of My Own Created (and safe!) Universe!-- to--- I Am Not the Master Because the Universe Is Suddenly Dishing Out More Stuff I Can't Control And That Really Scares Me!  in just a couple of years. 

And then on top of that, I got sick.  Found out I had Lupus. 

I was too sick to rage.  Too tired to fight.  Too smart now and experienced to continue on waging war within myself.  Too scared, really, to do much at all.  I suppose you could say I became depressed and anxious.  My self-esteem began to decline as my physical body showed the signs of my illness.   I went from being able to work out for three hours a day to sometimes not being able to open a jar from the joint  pain.   I lost my hair and gained weight. 

And I was unbelievably tired. The kind of tired where your very soul wants to sleep.  So not only was I sick with Lupus, but I believe with every fiber that my body was trying to tell me, 

"That's enough.  I'm done.  It's all just been too much." 

I call  those years, "The Bad Times".   Not very creative I know; but really what other way is there to put it?

And then, very gradually, I suppose nature (as She always does) led me down a different path.  Wisdom, age, the understanding of grace and patience, and most importantly acceptance became much clearer.  In the past whenever being told to "accept" things/life/the past, etc. I would get so angry because I didn't understand how in the world I was supposed to accept such great pain and so much loss.  I equated "acceptance" with "giving up" and with "defeat".

But as I said, gradually the idea of acceptance began to make sense.  I wish I could tell you how or when it happened, but I can't.  It wasn't some overnight thing or some big ephiphany I had while cooking dinner.  It wasn't some miraculous overturning of all prior beliefs; nor was it some life altering event that helped me to "see the light".  

All's I know is that at some point I decided that---as stupid as it sounds---I don't need to "win" my life.  I already have, simply because I have the power to make my own choices now.  It is alright to grieve the times where I did not have that power, and choices were made for me that hurt me.  It is alright to rage against the people I trusted as a child to make safe choices for me.   It is even alright to grieve the years when I was incapable of making better choices because I simply did not know another way.

It is alright to cry for all of the things I have never had, and for all of the things I so desperately needed.

But it not alright to hate myself, or wage a one-man war against all perceived threats, imagined or real.  I did not deserve what happened to me, nor did I ask for it.  If I had another alternative, or known differently, I would have made better choices for myself.  Of course I would have---most of us make our choices based on the information we are presented. 

But the fact is, I didn't know.  I didn't know anything as a I child.  I didn't know how to do much as a young adult without guidance.  I certainly did the best I could through the Crazy and Bad Times based on my experiences and the information I had.   Of this I am confidant.  I have always done the very best I have known how to do. 

So haven't I already won?  Only I can decide that.  Only I set those standards. 

I believe this 'emotional evolution' led me here to this beautiful place.  Never in a million years would I have wanted to come here during the Crazy or the Bad Times.  Those eras simply led me here.  To the silence---where it is quiet in every way something can be quiet.   The tears simply don't fall as much these days because frankly, there isn't much pain left to cry over. I either cried it all out of my system, or have learned to cope differently. I don't hate myself anymore for being sick.  I don't blame myself anymore for events or people I have no control over. 

I am simply responsible for myself and my choices. 

And when I let the rest fall away, I find that my life---like this morning---

is silent. 

It is absolutely exquisite.




 









 

Stupid Busy Morning Musings

So while I was knitting up one of the squares for my afghan last night, my mind began to wander (garter stitch will tend to do that!) with thoughts of my Ebook.

I am beginning to wonder if my current 'theme' for the book is too limited.  Without going into great detail, if each pattern and its name is based around one particular color, I may be sending a subliminal message that the pattern should be stitched in that color only. I am not at all suggesting that stitchers cannot think for themselves (quite the contrary!); but I want the designs in the book to be a jumping off point for individual creativity. 

I may be making some changes.

In other news.....

Today is going to be stupid-busy.  "Stupid-busy" means an overabundance of activity that dosen't pertain to things I enjoy and/or want to do for extended periods of time.   Today is the perfect example.

My house is undergoing extreme renovations.  The entire upper floor, with the exception of the kitchen, is a massive construction zone.  Two bedrooms have been added,  which is awesome, but because of all the unusual summer rain, jobs haven't been completed on schedule.

Finally.....we're almost there.  All that's left is painting, hanging doors and installing trim.  The entire upper floor is being painted, and it's over a 1000 sq ft.   It's taking forever.   In just under an hour, I'll have a house full of people painting and retaping the carpets.  Hopefully, *fingers crossed*, the kids may be able to start moving their stuff into these new rooms, and I can start planning furniture layout for the now much smaller formal living room.

So the purpose of today's business is not "stupid", per say.  It's "stupid-busy" because it's an entire day of not being able to sit on the deck in the rare sunshine today and knit myself silly.

I'm off to make an extra cup of coffee and prepare for the painting.  To close, here a few pictures.  These are the reasons I don't complain as much these days!

Sun coming up over the Cascades and the Bay.

Sun filtering through all the greenery this morning......a welcome sight after so much rain!

My pretty house! :)

Let the Yarn Fun Begin!

There are so many exciting things happening in my "Yarn Life", that I thought it best to start this blog to keep my thoughts and ideas organized.  With my husband deployed for the summer, kids out of school and doing their own thing, and this beautiful secluded island house all to myself (basically)----this is the perfect opportunity for me to bring some of my ideas and goals to fruition. 

Here's what's happening in July: 

1. I will be releasing a new shawl pattern for purchase on Ravelry and Patternfish.  Testing is nearly complete and I'd like to stitch up another sample to photograph.  Be on the lookout in the next couple of weeks! :)
2. Each month I will be releasing a shawl/wrap pattern for the remainder of the year.  The pattern for that particular month will only be available for purchase for that month.  After the month is over, the shawl pattern will go away until early 2013 when the patterns become available in an E-book.  
3. July's shawl, as I said, is nearly ready for release.  I have August's shawl drafted and ready to test with a sample shawl.  If you are interested in testing for August please message me on Ravelry.  
4. I'm knitting my very first sweater.---more on that later.
5. I'm going to pull out a cross stitch that needs to be finished......I haven't cross stitched in over three years, so it should be an adventure!   
6. I am stitching the "Learn To Knit Afghan" by Barbara Walker.  Yes, I know how to knit, but the squares in this book are very cool and I have about 15 colors of wool that I'm going to use to make a huge snuggly blanket for the sofa downstairs.   

 There will be lots of photos to come!  I'm off to spend the rest of the evening knitting!

~Bright Blessings of Light~
             Ilona